Horsefeathers

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IMPORTANT UPDATE!!! The following list consists of expressions that for one reason or another have personally interested me. This list wasn't simply copied and pasted from some other webpage. Prior to posting an explanation, I researched it until I was able to find at least two independent and credible references that agree. However, even with such diligence it appears I may have been mislead. I want to express my gratitude to Mr. Tom Oldani, who very kindly sent alternative explanations with references for many of the terms on this list. (Thanks, Tom!) I have posted these corrections below the original explanations. NEW! !! Murphy's Law: "If anything can go wrong, it will." In popular use for over half a century, controversy abounds as to the origins of this adage. The philosophy behind the phrase, if not this exact wording, has been around since before written history. ...

T-Shirt Sayings : My husband and I have religious differences: he thinks he's God and I don't. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. God must love stupid people, he made so many. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. It is as bad as you think and they are out to get you. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team. Bumper Stickers for Women SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN. WARNING: ...

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY ...

My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go. Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza. How to prepare Tofu: 1. Throw it in the trash. 2. Grill a steak . I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web. I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel. Senility has been a smooth transition for me. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they c...

HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN POLITICIANS ARE LYING? THEIR LIPS MOVE . WHY DON'T CANNIBALS LIKE TO EAT CLOWNS? THEY TASTE FUNNY. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL? DAM! WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG? POLAROID'S. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK? A STICK. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS? SUBORDINATE CLAUSES. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE? FROSTBITE. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES? A NERVOUS WRECK. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS? RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT HIM. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE? BECAUSE IT SCARES THE HELL OUT OF THE DOG. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC? SANKA. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER? THE LOCATION OF THE DIRT BAG. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER? A BAD GOLFER GOES: WHACK, DAMN. A BAD SKYDIVER...

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' (Infantry Journal) 'It is generally in advisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' (US. Air Force Manual) 'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never encountered automatic weapons.' (General MacArthur) 'Tracers work both ways.' (Army Ordnance Manual) 'Five second fuses last three seconds.' (Infantry Journal) 'Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.' (Naval Ops Manual) 'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' (Unknown Infantry Recruit) 'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.' (Infantry Journal) 'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil... For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.' (Sign over SR71 Wing Ops) 'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' (Paul F. ...

1) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 2) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 3) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 4) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 5) I have plenty of vision and talent. I just don't give a Damn! 6) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 7) What am I??? Flypaper for freaks? 8) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 9) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth, 10) Ahhh . . . . I see the Screwed Up fairy has visited us again. 11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 12) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Kahrma to burn off. 13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan. But my duties are largely ceremonial. 14) No, My powers can only be used for good. 15) How about Never?? Is Never good for you? ...

 Three ladies unfortunately died in a car crash on their way to lunch one Sunday after church. As they approached the pearly gates, St. Peter welcomed them and said, "The most important rule to remember once you enter heaven is not to step on the ducks." The women, happy to discover they had been granted eternity in paradise, nodded their understanding and walked through the gates, only to discover that there were ducks walking around everywhere. They tried their best to avoid them but within an hour one of the ladies accidentally stepped on one. It gave out a loud quack, where upon St. Peter instantly appeared and shackled her to the ugliest man she ever seen and said, "You must spend the rest of eternity chained to this man." Later the same day the second lady also had the misfortune of stepping on a duck. Again, its plaintive quack summoned St. Peter who chained her for all time to a man even uglier than the first. The third lady, determined to avoid the first tw...

"Never trust a dog to watch your food." -Patrick, age 10 "When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?' Don't answer." -Hannah, age 9 "Never tell your Mom her diet's not working." -Michael, age 14 "Stay away from prunes." -Randy, age 9 "Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." -Emily, age 10 "When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." -Taylia, age 11 "Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." -Traci, age 14 "A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac." - Andrew, age 9 "Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time." - Kyoyo, age 11 "You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." -Amir, age 9 "Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." -Kellie, age 11 "If you want a kitten, start out by as...